When I blog, I tend to try to keep things in the moment. Life can be such a fast paced affair. Sometimes the little things that may stand out get lost in the torrent. Including them in the blog helps to do that.
Going with the flow
Once upon a time, I would operate my life with unyielding precision and rhythm. I’ve always liked everything to be in order. The problem is that life doesn’t work like that. One moment you’re floating along and then next you discover the water is heading down a plug hole!
Here’s a bizarre attempt to draw a tenuous parallel. I remember from my study of Chemistry (a very long time ago) that in the theory of Thermodynamics, disorder is the natural state, not order. i.e. it requires energy to keep everything aligned as, well, everything prefers not to do this!
It’s quite likely that my breakdown was probably partly caused by me desperately trying to force the world around me into “order”. It took lots of energy and basically left me in an exhausted heap. I’ve since been working to try to allow myself to ‘go with the flow’ at lot more. Does the world really need to be in a perfect order around me? Is that even vaguely realistic.
Sometimes it’s the only way
So why am I looking at this today?
Last night was an example of where I just had to allow things to work themselves out. I’d had a fantastic evening out with #LymeRunners and had got home, rather late. I was tired, went to bed, and then spent the next 2 hours staring at the ceiling. No amount of wanting to go to sleep was going to make it happen.
All I could think about was ‘go for a run‘.
It was 1am. Why would I want to do that?
Ten minutes later and I was dressed in my running gear and pulling the door closed behind me.
I’ve mentioned before about the mindfulness benefits of running. Usually, as I zone out into that happy place, I do start to process my thoughts a little more holistically.
The run was great. Nobody about (surprise surprise) and the night wasn’t cold at all. I started off with my head throwing around a whole host of hypothetical arguments for no useful reason. This sort of nonsense takes up too much brain time anyway, but when I’m running it does feel like a pressure valve being released. Which is positive. I imagine it as a load of unhelpful energy being burned off, similar to the old sewerage venting pipes which were sometimes lit (getting rid of the dangerous gases).
As I reach the 2 mile mark, there is a sudden clarity.
In all of the excitement of being out having fun, I forgot to take my medication before I went to bed. The tiny pills that stabilise my mind also cause drowsiness. Unfortunately it appears that my body is addicted to that side-effect and so if I miss the dosage, I tend to find it hard to sleep.
If only that clarity had come whilst in bed, and not 2 miles into a run!
I jogged back the last mile (I’d planned out a 5k hoping it would tire me out), got home and took the meds.
And then not long afterwards, I slept.
To sum up
Overall, it showed that my body was trying to tell me something very important, but in the first instance I couldn’t recognise the sign at all. Yes, it should have been obvious and I normally remember to take the medication, even if it’s later than planned. (I take it at night so it wasn’t too far out.) However, I’ve learned that sometimes to go with a gut need helps me to decipher what is going on. I’m not saying it’s the best solution, but sometimes any solution is better than none.