Sometimes you think things are coming together when suddenly all around the bag bursts and everything spills out over the floor. That’s how things feel right now.
I don’t actually know what happened yesterday. I was at work, things were OK – not amazing, not dreadful, just the middle ground of OK. Nothing wrong with that in my book.
Even getting home and chatting to the builders I was still oblivious to the curveball my mind was about to throw at me. In short, my mood went into freefall. I don’t know what triggered it, if there was anything at all.
I’ve not ‘lost the will to live’ in the true sense in over 20 years. But I found myself really not having any appetite for going on. Now we’re not talking melodramatics here, it was an entirely rational feeling of loss without any idea what I could do about the situation.
Normally at this point if I’m stuck on my own the remedy is to put some happy music on. This actually made me feel resentful last night. What of, I’m not sure. But I didn’t want to see people, let friends know how I was feeling. I couldn’t blog it at the time. I don’t know why. I guess I don’t want people to worry about me. I know I’ve had mood-swings in the past and I know they go full circle. So the utterings of me at any one of the extremes doesn’t help.
I have a photo of us from our honeymoon on my computer desktop at home. It was too much to look at it, causing a deep level of upset. I couldn’t eat anything although I did keep my sugar level up as I know that can affect my mood. It was our ringing practice thankfully which gave me somewhere to go and to get out of the house and interacting with people. I won’t expand on my thoughts at the time. They were not happy nor positive.
At least for the 90 minutes I was out I was distracted. But coming home was horrible again, and I even grabbed some junk food from a local eatery which was, at best, unpleasant.
Unsurprisingly a night of very vivid and strange dreams. I remember one. We had some sort of gathering here at home. Not sure who was there, but it felt family like, and there were kids there. The kids were excited because I had a tent. And we stretched it out – it was massively long, going full length of the garden, which itself seemed to be elongated. It was white and, well next think it was up. I went in and joined Mark on the bed – I don’t know whether he had been outside the tent before – but he was there. The tent was a furnished room of normal width (not the length of the garden) and it was solid yet as if it was inflatable. On the wall opposite the bed was a clock with the face of Chairman Mao on it. But it was a cartoon of a clock that kept changing, pulling faces, the eyes moving around, sometimes the face was looking out into the room other times pointing to the right.
There was another one I remember bits of. Sort of work-related but it wasn’t really. Up and down the streets of a down-at-heel estate I don’t know but then you could get out of the back of this estate down an embankment and end up in some sort of department store.
Don’t think dream dictionaries could ever make sense out of those!
Today, again at work – basically OK. Telling everyone I’m OK when actually I feel rubbish. Got home and again questioned why I go on. I can’t answer that but I’ll keep going anyway. Hopefully this will pass again soon and I’ll feel OK again.
I’m writing this thinking why am I putting all this down. I suppose the answer is that it allows me to vent. I don’t have a readership as such, it’s just a way of getting out some of my fears without having to justify them to anyone.
If they continue at this intensity, well I’ll seek medical help – A promise to myself and to all those who look out for me – Last time I lost the will to live, I could have succeeded. I don’t want to go there again.