To carry us home.

So I finished work late on Sunday night and although I was very tired as my body clock had been put to the test with a little night-working, I still ended up even later to bed as I wanted to catch the Strictly Come Dancing final so at least I could enjoy it rather than avoiding speaking to anyone, watching the news, reading the papers etc and risk seeing the result. Anyway, a very good show which I enjoyed. And with the advantage that as it was recorded I could fast-forward through the waffling bits I wasn’t interested in.

Christmas Eve arrived uneventfully and I failed to get much in the way of painting done. The hope to get everything done ‘ASAP’ taken out by the fact I was exhausted.

This is my first Christmas as a widower and I’ve relied heavily on family for support.I’ve been asked since by a few colleagues how I got on and I’ve suggested ‘OK’ – although ‘numb’ is probably closer to the mark.

Before I’d set out to go to my parents’ home I listened to a couple of favourite Story of the Year tracks which meant a lot. ‘

Terrified was always a song I enjoyed but it marked a point in the relationship where we ‘accidentally’ split up- a total misunderstanding which was thankfully rectified the following lunchtime. The lyric to the chorus was one which resonated at that time:

Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you’re terrified
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
When we’ve reached the end of the road
I will carry us home

Why is this? Well we lived apart due to our circumstances and I always feared (a fear that ultimately came to pass) that I might lose him one day. And the last line was a promise I made to myself that whatever happened, I would make it my responsibility to get us through.

Conversely it was a song that upset Mark because it was linked to the temporary break-up.

Either way, listening to it reduced me to tears, but I guess not a bad thing – sometimes it’s better to get these things out of your system so you can better deal with them.

So a day with immediate family and then a visit to grandparent’s house and before I knew it the festive period was over!

They say each first anniversary provides it’s own unique challenge and I’m certainly finding that. I’m operating at about 110% at the moment, work, decorating, doing anything to be busy. I guess it’s my defence mechanism but I know I need to get away, get some quality time on my own away from everything else. I’ll shift this cold and start planning!

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